annonplease (annonplease) wrote in inside_myhead,

tuesday november 4th - reading week

its reading week.  this post has been heavily influenced by a critisism from someone, the general idea is that i dove into my work as a form of escapism :/ i dont know, maybe. i havnt missed 1minuete of class in the first term, and now i have reading week, ive had a peaceful weekend, and worked hard yesterday and planning on working just as hard today. Is that so bad? as oppossed to those drunken weekends and reading weeks of being continously high or generally not sober.

ive lost alot of contact with friends. that girl i sometimes type about.. who left me, is still on my mind every now and then. inside i hope she regrets what happened, but logically i know she dont give a shit about me :/ its kind of a vicious circle. but hey, things are better now. im a focus man on my studies, hopefully heading towards a bright future.

things are also pretty bad around the house with my brother. he recently got mugged :( ive been trying to look after him since he has no money phone or anything. but it only results in being yelled at because he is afraid im trying to "mentor him". i swear, i try not to complain, and solve my own problems.
but it doesnt look like that

im sticking to my plan still, to just fly out of europe at my first opportunity. and get away from all the insiginificant bullshit which will have no relevence in a few years. I mean, in perspective, 2 years ago, we had problems like we have now. which seemed really serious. Can you even remember them? We tend to only remember the good times, so why not try enjoy the good times? 

im in a wierd mood... im still battling to try stop the smoking, but i just dont see it happening. im starting to feel like smeagle. but nowdays things seem controled. maybe cause im alone more nowadays. but thats not as bad as you might see on surface level. ive lost my tolerance with people, lost faith in people. only those few exceptional people worth having by your side are starting to show. but they arent much of a lighthouse.

anyway, i could be writting some optional coursework with this effort and thought.. Plan: finish coffee; clean dishes; shower; study; go to town to pay for 1/3 expensive repair in house :/ get back work.... maybe eat somewhere between there. and 2nite maybe go out for drinks, which i planned, even though inside im going to want to stay home alone :(

i dont know, on paper i guess i seem like in a bad place, but mentally, ive been fine, feel like a strong person. maybe im just more immune, or my mental armor is stronger. i dont know, just try to live day by day without thinking or trying to define too much. day at a day for a better future while keeping a positive perspective of the road there. things can only get worse hey? 
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