chocomarsho (chocomarsho) wrote in inside_myhead,

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Pain That Drives The Heart Up A Wall


Why? Must I sit here and hold everything deep inside? Why? When I spill my feelings out I just feel pitiful? Why? Do I feel, pathetic, immature, demanding, lonesome, troubled...? The list could go on for a while with one word questions. Is this a lover’s farewell? No. A lovers’ quarrel? No. It is far from being a "lovers" anything. It is the pain you feel when betrayed. Sure, everyone will instantly be like "I can understand that feeling. It's nothing new." (If you cannot then you're just lying or you can't recall). Sure, you can understand. But can you remember that feeling? That feeling of immense hatred, of pain, of grief? Can you really go back to when you felt that? I doubt it. No one wants to re-live those moments. If anything you can only briefly explain what happened.

But, it is easier to explain what happened when it just happened. When you felt like you were sealed inside a wall and no one wanted to listen to you. You were just that fly on the wall that everyone considered you a "pest." Well what about changing it and making the situation even worse? You're in a new area; none of your close friends are nearby because they have their own path to follow. Yet, here you are. Alone. (Not completely, but you feel as though you are). Just floating down the river of grief there are those rocks that try stopping you. However, when you try to grab a hold they are too slippery and off you go again. What does a river have to do? The river is the way you go through the day, the rocks are the people that "try" to help you, but they really cannot because they are a part of the pain. So you end up slipping and continuing down the river. It is no use sometimes. You want to deal with the pain, you want it to stop. But what is stopping you from correcting the pain?

There could be nothing stopping you from correcting the pain. But maybe, this is not something you can solve by yourself because since you were betrayed it is a two person process. So what do you do? End up calling the person a few names, cursing them off behind their back, getting frustrated when their near you? Does it always work that way? It depends how well you can deal. How well you can cope. Obviously, I cannot cope as easily as some because some fear what others say behind their back. Whether or not the people you called your "friends" are spreading rumors or even just saying nasty stuff to one another. Some of you I'm sure would just be like, "I would just ignore them, or I would just say nasty things also, or I would try not to let them get to me..." but, you know they are getting to you.

Are you afraid? Are you scared? Are you concerned? At a point of betrayal many thoughts flow through the head. What could make it even more intolerable is that this was the person you "thought" you were the closest with. But then, they started treating you like shit. They started looking down on you. Anything could have happened: a friendly competition gone wrong, a contest with a loss, a fried that is tearing you up, a thought that was never meant to be said. Do you sacrifice all the good times for one bad fight? If it rises too high then obviously yes. Do you retreat back and try to run from the drama?

There is no escape. There is no way to run. There is no were to turn, especially if you are in a distant area that you cannot call "home."

I could never ask anyone to completely understand. Because, let’s face it, half the time we never completely understand our own actions.

But it gets worse when all you get is bias opinions. All you receive is opinions of people who cannot even vaguely understand how much pain is eating away at your soul. What you need is someone who can just help you tell the other person to back off, someone who will help keep you calm, protect you, and listen to you. Let’s face it. You know you want someone to stand next to you and say “back off” even at the expense of them even possibly getting picked on. Someone close that may not understand but knows you cannot do it alone—at least, not at the moment.

There is no running away. But we try, I try. The pain that drives the heart up a wall is in all forms and contexts. Unfortunately, you can never avoid it all. Betrayal and drama has become part of our system. I wish I could have been wiser.

My heart wants to bash itself into a wall and forever stay there. To not have a heart, means to feel no pain. To sacrifice feeling anything else, just to not feel pain. Basically living like an android or a robot. Have you ever thought any of this? Or even anything close?

I’m sure you have.

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