Oh, the Night

Oh, the night

The night when sound

Ceased to matter

When the angels cried

And devils screamed

I am haunted by ghosts

Ripping at my skin

And tugging at my clothes

Oh, sweet nectar

Lull me to sleep

Let me dream

Not of ghouls

But of shining princes

And corn-silk braided hair

With glass slippers and

Carriages, drawn by 12 coal black mares

Be still,

My fluttering heart

Banging broken fists against

Marrow and deceit

A cage filled with roses and bloody tulips

Be silent, be still

Quit your useless cries

Allow grey matter to decide

My fate

My own blood

On my own hands

Drips, drips, drips

Silently down

Into shoes filled with rice

And checkered floors,

White and black and pristine

Oh god,

Their bloody now

Drowning in a sea of sticky,


Pain, pain, pain

Hush my sobbing skin

Speak my silent throat

Let this night never end

For if it does

You’ll only go back to

The false bravado

And calla lilies with green petals

And silent movies

With obvious innuendos

That thought disgusts you

Doesn’t it?

It makes me feel sick

That thought

It truly does

Oh, quiet now


Listen to my breath in the eaves

We are lost

Babes in the woods

Helpless and frightened

We run like children

Away, away, away

Ah, silence once more

Thank you clarity

Thank you moon

Good night

Good bye

Good luck

naked tattoo

My first poem

Heating up is your passion
Slowly turns into an addiction
No matter how you hope
No more that easy to cope

Time to face your heart
It's obviously torn apart
Still you go on the way
That is foggy in gray

Like the air in the balloon
By all rights should be free
Could even help flowers to bloom
But look, it's trapped like silly

Dream to fly in the sky
In fact just floating nowhere
Soon will pop and cry
About such an idiot who cares

Ah how miserable
But this is how it goes
Ironically memorable


Hello, this is the first time I write a poem.
I don't know well about how to write, and also lack of Eng. Vocabulary.
If someone has any advice, please tell me :)

Hospital Wing Voices

Maybe I am as sick as they say
In hushed tones,
Hospital voices
Maybe there is truth in that
I felt the world shudder 
Collapse beneath me
And I am hit with piercing word shrapnal
I am thrown to the mercy of The God
Who really prefers to see me on my knees
If I were to repent
What difference would it make?
I’ve wished to be someone else
I’ve wished for life to cease, for time to stop
I’ve seen my demons, I’ve seen my god
I’ve begged for forgiveness
Screamed for them to stop
I’ve crawled along on dirt roads, I’ve layed upon desert sands
Felt Hells fire licking my neck

I’ve walked among heroes, 
I’ve walked among sinners
I crave cookie cutter houses
Lining quiet streets
With uniform grass growing in place of dead mens hands,
With bony fingers reaching to heaven
With children laughing, playing with false prophets
Knowing nothing of the horror that lies behind their own eyelids
When the dark comes, there are only make-believe monsters
Invisible and scared away by mothers gently singing
Fathers opening the door
I want that,
I want it
Instead of screaming ghosts with coal black eyes
Lips dripping with spilt words, words that don’t make sense
Tightly clentched hands,
Struggling to  hold to slick reality
Cheeks wet with tears brimming with uncertainty, of the terror of not knowing if this is make-believe, or if   I’m a figment of a sick persons imagination.
I don’t want to be sick
I want to be real
I want the ghosts to leave
I want to be  me
I don’t want to see myself from the vantage point of the angels, watching as I lie, day in and day out
When I’m asked if I’m fine, when I say I am
Why am I this way? 
I feel as if their watching me through my windows
Judging me
Taunting me as I play make-believe
Pretending I’m okay
Pretending I’m untouched by their skinless fingers
Unconcerned with the whispering voices at my ear
Witches brews 
Sliding down my throat
Trying to stop the posion before it spreads
Trying to stop the monsters, 
Tearing apart the only place I can feel safe

Silent Lie

Sitting here I feel a great strain on my own heart. I feel like someone is clutching it tight in their grasp making me want to scream in pain.  I feel… so much. Can you describe in one word how you feel? Sad? That’s no longer a correct description of a feeling anymore. You can be sad you didn’t do well on a test, but you won’t cry. You can be sad you and your boyfriend broke up, but you could be fine. But, each pain of sadness has a distinct feeling and mine feels like something clutching onto my heart. There is someone screaming in my head to let myself burry my head and cry. To let all my anguish out at once so that I will stop feeling like shit. Do I want this feeling to end? Let’s face it, even if I were to somehow fix it, it would happen again. The same situations, the same causes, the same angry faces. I wish sometimes I could go one by one and tell everyone I was sorry, but that’s only now that I look back on the situations. Though I am nearly positive at the time I did not need to say anything of the sort because they were all bastards and I wasn’t helping but I was not going to say sorry to those who only accept fake shits. I’m sick of so much that when someone asks me to tell them what’s wrong I pour my heart out in nonsensical blurbs. Once I let them out I feel better… for a minute. Then the feeling comes back. In the end, nothing will solve this. So behind this smile, will always be a silent lie.
  • Current Music

tuesday november 4th - reading week

its reading week.  this post has been heavily influenced by a critisism from someone, the general idea is that i dove into my work as a form of escapism :/ i dont know, maybe. i havnt missed 1minuete of class in the first term, and now i have reading week, ive had a peaceful weekend, and worked hard yesterday and planning on working just as hard today. Is that so bad? as oppossed to those drunken weekends and reading weeks of being continously high or generally not sober.

ive lost alot of contact with friends. that girl i sometimes type about.. who left me, is still on my mind every now and then. inside i hope she regrets what happened, but logically i know she dont give a shit about me :/ its kind of a vicious circle. but hey, things are better now. im a focus man on my studies, hopefully heading towards a bright future.

things are also pretty bad around the house with my brother. he recently got mugged :( ive been trying to look after him since he has no money phone or anything. but it only results in being yelled at because he is afraid im trying to "mentor him". i swear, i try not to complain, and solve my own problems.
but it doesnt look like that

im sticking to my plan still, to just fly out of europe at my first opportunity. and get away from all the insiginificant bullshit which will have no relevence in a few years. I mean, in perspective, 2 years ago, we had problems like we have now. which seemed really serious. Can you even remember them? We tend to only remember the good times, so why not try enjoy the good times? 

im in a wierd mood... im still battling to try stop the smoking, but i just dont see it happening. im starting to feel like smeagle. but nowdays things seem controled. maybe cause im alone more nowadays. but thats not as bad as you might see on surface level. ive lost my tolerance with people, lost faith in people. only those few exceptional people worth having by your side are starting to show. but they arent much of a lighthouse.

anyway, i could be writting some optional coursework with this effort and thought.. Plan: finish coffee; clean dishes; shower; study; go to town to pay for 1/3 expensive repair in house :/ get back work.... maybe eat somewhere between there. and 2nite maybe go out for drinks, which i planned, even though inside im going to want to stay home alone :(

i dont know, on paper i guess i seem like in a bad place, but mentally, ive been fine, feel like a strong person. maybe im just more immune, or my mental armor is stronger. i dont know, just try to live day by day without thinking or trying to define too much. day at a day for a better future while keeping a positive perspective of the road there. things can only get worse hey? 

Pain That Drives The Heart Up A Wall


Why? Must I sit here and hold everything deep inside? Why? When I spill my feelings out I just feel pitiful? Why? Do I feel, pathetic, immature, demanding, lonesome, troubled...? The list could go on for a while with one word questions. Is this a lover’s farewell? No. A lovers’ quarrel? No. It is far from being a "lovers" anything. It is the pain you feel when betrayed. Sure, everyone will instantly be like "I can understand that feeling. It's nothing new." (If you cannot then you're just lying or you can't recall). Sure, you can understand. But can you remember that feeling? That feeling of immense hatred, of pain, of grief? Can you really go back to when you felt that? I doubt it. No one wants to re-live those moments. If anything you can only briefly explain what happened.

But, it is easier to explain what happened when it just happened. When you felt like you were sealed inside a wall and no one wanted to listen to you. You were just that fly on the wall that everyone considered you a "pest." Well what about changing it and making the situation even worse? You're in a new area; none of your close friends are nearby because they have their own path to follow. Yet, here you are. Alone. (Not completely, but you feel as though you are). Just floating down the river of grief there are those rocks that try stopping you. However, when you try to grab a hold they are too slippery and off you go again. What does a river have to do? The river is the way you go through the day, the rocks are the people that "try" to help you, but they really cannot because they are a part of the pain. So you end up slipping and continuing down the river. It is no use sometimes. You want to deal with the pain, you want it to stop. But what is stopping you from correcting the pain?

There could be nothing stopping you from correcting the pain. But maybe, this is not something you can solve by yourself because since you were betrayed it is a two person process. So what do you do? End up calling the person a few names, cursing them off behind their back, getting frustrated when their near you? Does it always work that way? It depends how well you can deal. How well you can cope. Obviously, I cannot cope as easily as some because some fear what others say behind their back. Whether or not the people you called your "friends" are spreading rumors or even just saying nasty stuff to one another. Some of you I'm sure would just be like, "I would just ignore them, or I would just say nasty things also, or I would try not to let them get to me..." but, you know they are getting to you.

Are you afraid? Are you scared? Are you concerned? At a point of betrayal many thoughts flow through the head. What could make it even more intolerable is that this was the person you "thought" you were the closest with. But then, they started treating you like shit. They started looking down on you. Anything could have happened: a friendly competition gone wrong, a contest with a loss, a fried that is tearing you up, a thought that was never meant to be said. Do you sacrifice all the good times for one bad fight? If it rises too high then obviously yes. Do you retreat back and try to run from the drama?

There is no escape. There is no way to run. There is no were to turn, especially if you are in a distant area that you cannot call "home."

I could never ask anyone to completely understand. Because, let’s face it, half the time we never completely understand our own actions.

But it gets worse when all you get is bias opinions. All you receive is opinions of people who cannot even vaguely understand how much pain is eating away at your soul. What you need is someone who can just help you tell the other person to back off, someone who will help keep you calm, protect you, and listen to you. Let’s face it. You know you want someone to stand next to you and say “back off” even at the expense of them even possibly getting picked on. Someone close that may not understand but knows you cannot do it alone—at least, not at the moment.

There is no running away. But we try, I try. The pain that drives the heart up a wall is in all forms and contexts. Unfortunately, you can never avoid it all. Betrayal and drama has become part of our system. I wish I could have been wiser.

My heart wants to bash itself into a wall and forever stay there. To not have a heart, means to feel no pain. To sacrifice feeling anything else, just to not feel pain. Basically living like an android or a robot. Have you ever thought any of this? Or even anything close?

I’m sure you have.

  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

the sunchasers

The sunchasers

She can feel the incendiary body.
Taut. Sinewy.
The body understands
what the other is saying.
A whisper of wind
passes through her hair,
comes inside the ears,
tells a thousand
sweet nothings
if you pays attention.
Then who cares to listen!
She stoops a little to sigh
her own mantra to the horse.
“Take me there. Take me.”
The horse chases a myth
with the lady in white
upon its back.
At distance a dark spot is
what has been her home.
She looks at it
and murmurs again
” Take me there. Take me.”

Beyond is a word
that has already lost
its potencies to them.
  • Current Mood

randomness thoughts

today ended up being quite a crazy day.

just sort of blew up by the end of everything. alot of ridiculous fighting going on in the house. Its amazing, the family is together for a month and im the only one on decent terms with everyone. On top of that, the group of friends of the summer is different, times aint seeming the same or maybe its just me that has changed. Anyway, the summer was good, and all the bullshit that happens ends up being forgotten, and if this summer comes up in conversation only a few of the highlights are what i would remember. So just have to enjoy the good times, not get caught up in shit.

And for what ever reason im feeling guilty tonight, mostly crap as usual. I guess ill try accept it, learn from my mistakes, and just try keep being myself with those lessons learnt.

Im suppsose to start working on resubmitting my essay, got about over 2 weeks left to do it. But, i blew off a camping trip with my friend tomorrow in order to have a beach day and a night out in the town ive been in for the past couple of weeks.  When i know i should be going, and im using the essay as an excuse, but i dont want to lie to myself, there is just butterflys in my stomach when i think of the camping trip. I really dont know. Well i guess the essay would be a reasonable conclusion, i dont know. Anyway i was suppose to start on it today, and did the usual thing of just doing little jobs instead of working, the typical, e.g "organizing notes" well barely that even,.. and cleaning my room, clothes etc. lol :) this is the typical path to studying. Inside i know that at one point i will sit my ass down and get down to it.... ive been rather dedicated to my studies now i think about it, and ive also finally decided to dedicated myself fulling now im entering my important year. less partying.. but im not sure if thats cause i truely want it, or if thats where people have put me? =/
anyway, enough rambling on, another load of my mind and i wonder if what i wrote above is even what i first had on my mind
I know i was worrying alot about my friends tonight... well.. i need to rest, especially my head. I really dont want to get caught up, so all im wanting is to not have pissed off my family and friends.. or have already pissed them off... as well as treating my family as well as  i should.. which i know i dont:/... i will desperately try to keep the thought that i shouldn't beat  my self up over these things as it doesn't resolve anything, and just take the reaction from my actions as they come and try stay true to myself and i know that i will do the right thing.

Goodnight :)

a sea is born

A sea is born
Grievances erode in a tide of passionate cry.
Her hand is a warm pressure on a feeble shoulder.
It is so long since you have lost some salt-water.
A sea is born.

Who I am… Take me or leave me

Who I am… Take me or leave me


I am me…

I cry when I’m tiered

My eyes will not seal

My patience expired

I bottle up what I feel

Though sometimes I explode

Then spill my guts to anyone

I make friend with psychotic people

So I’ll be safe if they bring a gun

There are times I can go

Ecstatic too depressed

Confident and energetic

To anxious and stressed

I’m one of those people

That has to bad things to learn

Someone can do something embarrassing

I laugh and yell BURN!

I’m hypocritical

Since I hate hypocrites

I only watch the super bowl

To eat junk food and chips

I once was confident

With my crazy fun hair

That was before I woke up

With my pillow covered in chunks of hair

When I finally feel happy

Comes along some low life critics

Say I’m ugly and manly

Since my head has no hair on it

There’s good and in me

My flaws are originality

But we all suffer pain

That’s the harsh reality